Last week, I talked about breaking the cycle of “too much to do.” The idea came about after a dear friend, and I talked about how moms are really feeling. This friend hosts several radio shows and has a private coaching program, so she has her hand on the pulse of motherhood in different ways than I do.
She confirmed what I already knew to be true; most moms are thrashed, tired of running the ship, and tired of the fact that no one is talking about what parenting is doing to them. That’s why I made the suggestion I made about the Todoist app.
Believe me when I tell you I would rather discuss Unicorns than painful childhood wounding. However, the attitude, decisions, and reactions you’re having toward your child were born from that wounding, and the decisions you made, as a result, are showing up in your parenting.
It’s time to hold up the stop sign and do whatever it takes to stop that generational pain from entering your sweet child’s world.
What concerns me most is when I hear parents say, “I have no emotional bandwidth left to care about changing how I deal with my kids. I’m too tired, emotionally fragile, and focused on getting it all done to think about looking for new ways to transform my child’s behavior; it’s too much work!”
The Great Leveler
When you feel like parenting changes are just one more thing on your to-do list that can wait, think about this, please.
Your kids, their growth, and understanding will not wait for you to “get ready” to change.
A child’s development waits for no one; your kids are learning from sun up to snoring.
The question is, what are they learning from you?
Why Bother
If you postpone or stop learning new skills, methods, and perceptions about parenting. Or if you continue to repeat the style your parents used that caused the emotional wounds you’re dealing with today, then you’re exposing your child to the same pain you’ve had to endure.
The pandemic has shown us that everyone gets to choose how they want to parent their kids. However, the commonality of wounding that happened to us as kids continue to bind us to anger and frustration.
Holly Harcourt articulated this perfectly on Instagram. She said,
“Unhealed childhood trauma manifests itself as fixing others, codependency, people pleasing, external validation needed, living on high alert, fear of abandonment, deprioritizing your own needs, need to prove yourself, tolerates abusive behavior, attracts narcissistic partners, difficulty setting boundaries.”
It’s time to release the unhealed trauma woven into our adult lives and begin using conscious parenting skills, so our kids never have to feel unseen, unheard, lack-of-self-worth, blame, shame, or guilt that have woven its way into the habits we use as adults. I will not say that your kids will never gain triggers or wounds of their own; they will because they need to be able to learn from them. But the triggers and wounds created from being raised by mindful parents are not as emotionally devastating as the previous generations were.
Solutions
• Review, as objectively as possible, the pain you still carry from your childhood wounds. As you review your triggers and wounds, remember your parents did not have access to any parenting resources except their own parent’s behavior.
This quote from Sean Covey says it all, “We become what we repeatedly do.” It’s time to change what you’re doing. See a therapist, read, or talk to friends to help you with this.
• Gift yourself with a dopamine rush of accomplishment instead of overwhelm by downloading the free app, Todoist @ https://todoist.com. (I am not an affiliate). Or use anything like it to reduce your feelings of doing too much.
• Become aware of where you typically get triggered when you’re stressed. For example, do you compare your child’s reality with your past (I was never allowed to behave this way.) Do you use future promises to motivate behavior (you better behave, or there’s no tv for you tonight.) Or are you present and able to teach in the now (It looks like you were full of mad and that stopped you from remember the steps needed to say calm words; let’s talk.)
Like it or not, parenting is a multi-generational adventure. First, you begin parenting with all the wounds and triggers you experienced as a child.
Then you have to decide if you will repeat this pattern or transform it so your child does not experience the same wounding you did.
And, as always, you get to decide which path you will take.
Know that all Proactive Parenting programs and playbooks provide you with conversations to get you started, so you can be conscious of the triggers and wounds that arise when your child makes a mistake.
If you need help with that, when you’re ready, you know where to find me, @proactiveparenting.net.
Now, go hug your kids,
Sharon
