“Perfectionism keeps us from being seen. We put forth what we think should be perfect, so we hide, so no one sees we are not perfect.” Brené Brown
Have you ever eavesdropped on a conversation between two moms at the park? The majority of the conversation usually centers around the problems and issues they’re having with their kids.
As women, we work things out by connecting and talking about what’s happening in our lives. However, doing that may create an unseen side effect—disconnection.
When you focus on complaining and lamenting about your child, you become disconnected from your child’s humanness; you become more focused on the illusion of the perfect family. Which by the way, doesn’t exist.
When you remained focused on the things your child doesn’t do, they feel they need to hide from you. They feel ashamed that they can’t give you the perfection you’re seeking, and this further increases the disconnection between you.
Does focusing on a child’s humanness and individuality mean you should let misbehavior, attitude, or disrespect go unchecked? Of course not.
Balance is the Answer
When was the last time you talked to a friend about your child’s strengths, kindness, or their wild empowered nature? When was the last time you talked about those things within earshot of your child, or said them directly to your child?
When you only focus on the issues and problems, even if that’s all that’s happening in your home, you’re not only creating disconnection, you’re also creating a foundation of beliefs and expectations for your child.
If all your child hears is, “you did this wrong,” “stop acting like that,” “you’re so ungrateful,” or “don’t give me an attitude,” they begin to believe that’s how you truly see them, and they begin to see themselves that way too.
And since children use an immature thinking process, they decide to behave in alignment with how they’re perceived—as an ungrateful person, or as a disrespectful person.
However, if you focus on their humanness, their individual nature, be it gentle or wildly empowered, a different foundation of who I am is created, and you change the way you see your child and their misbehavior, too.
The best thing that occurs when you speak to a child’s humanness is—a level of respect is created. Then, when you do have to correct behavior, your child hears you, listens and learns from you, because they know you see who they truly are, you don’t just see the part of them that’s misbehaving.
How do you accomplish correcting behavior and acknowledge your child’s humanness?
You’re the expert on your kids. You know what will, and what won’t work. That means you need to find parenting methods that align with who you, and your child are. You need methods that allow you to speak to the wholeness of your child, instead of just reacting.
That’s why I gathered what I consider to be the best 10 key tools for correcting behavior. They are practical, empathetic, and use mindful clarity, so you can speak to your child’s individual nature and get to the heart of the matter.
If that appeals to you, take a look at 10 Key Tools for Teaching Not Punishing.
And if you want to receive these hints, tips, and musings in your inbox, plus receive a free gift, 7 Ways to Help Kids Control Themselves, opt-in at proactiveparenting.net
Have a great weekend.
Now, go hug your kids.