How to Deal With Back Talk (School-Age, ages 5-9)Don’t you dare talk to me that way! 
When a child is being verbally disrespectful, or as we called it in our home, “emotionally biting” someone, a parent instantly becomes very annoyed and (s)he yells right back! Most parents who are having loud, ugly words screamed at them would react that way. The question all parents want to know is, “What can I do instead of yelling?”First, let me say that I firmly believe that parents should not be disrespected, or have to endure any kind of emotional rudeness, but it does happen. Once it happens a parent usually feels like there’s only one thing they can do to stop it, yell and punish!I want to offer another way, one that not only stops the rude and disrespectful behavior in its tracks, but also teaches.What Causes Disrespectful Behavior?
Remember when your baby’s cry was her only form of communication? Believe it or not rude, disrespectful behavior is also form of communication. Verbal disrespect and rude words are a volatile expression of feelings that haven’t (otherwise) been verbalized. The feelings need to be released or all sorts of things may happen.When a child is screaming horrible things at you, the first thing you need to be aware of is your desire to scream, “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!†or “Who do you think you are?’ or “You’re g-r-o-u-n-d-e-d!â€I’m not going to lie; it’s hard, and it’s normal to want to retaliate. But screaming and punishing in response doesn’t address or resolve the original feelings that caused your child to be disrespectful. They don’t teach a child how to manage the intense tidal wave he or she is feeling. Punishing her makes her swallow her intense emotions, and will only cause those same feelings to erupt again in a different form.How to Stop Kids from Being Disrespectful
Parents tend to think children get angry on purpose. Your child doesn’t know how she got so mad. Her anger is a mystery to her. It’s also a cry for help. To a child, being really mad feels scary, like she’s out of control and her feelings have a life of their own. When you say, “Stop it now,†she thinks, Okay, but how do I hold this tidal wave of feelings back? Please show me, don’t punish me.”Parents need to accept that intense feelings are part of growing up. You [the parent] are their safe place; you need to teach your child how to deal with volatile feelings by doing it yourself. How? By showing her something other than reacting, retaliating and screaming at her.1. First, stop it from escalating.
Imagine for a moment that you and your child are standing opposite each other. Stretched between you is a rope. As your child yells, she pulls on the rope sending a tidal wave of emotion traveling across the rope hitting you on the other end. Now, covered in imaginary emotional goo, you pull on the rope, sending your retaliation and yelling back toward your child. 

This illustrates the emotional tug of war that happens when a child uses back talk and a parent yells to try and stop it. You can see that the situation instantly becomes circular, it repeats and repeats until … well, you know what happens next.In order for a parent to teach a child how to handle their tidal wave of intense emotions, the parent has to disengage and drop the rope, thereby stopping the tug of war, before any talking or resolution can begin.This is the crucial turning point. Dropping the imaginary emotional rope stops things from continuing to escalate, and begins turning things toward resolution.2. Stand fast until you get to the “crucial turning point.”
Your child will try to get you to reengage in the emotional tug of war. She’ll scream mean words at you and she’ll be rude. Stay silent. Do not reengage; do not pick up the imaginary rope!Soon, your child will realize that the fact that you’re not engaging, means she was out of line. That’s the moment when you take further action.3. Calmly reengage your child.
You might say, “When you get this upset, you need to calm down first, hit something, and release your anger (though exercise, or whatever the rule is in your house) before talking to me.”Once your child has released the anger, invite her to talk: “Now please begin with an apology and let’s talk about your feelings calmly.â€By dropping the rope and stopping the emotional tug of war, you’re able to get to the crucial turning point and turn things toward resolution instead of keeping the “war†going by yelling and punishment.
Sharon Silver is the author Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Transform Behavior into Learning Moments, and Why Do I Yell and What Can I Do Instead? webinar. She is the founder of Proactive Parenting dot net.
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I have twins. A little girl and little boy who are 9 years old. The above information is great for her but her brother is special needs, autism. So developmentally he is younger how would I help him. Not yelling is very hard especially after hours of therapy or dealing with a difficult day. Part of the problem for her is the things we deal with and understanding him. How do I help that behavior ?
I am not an autism specialist, I mostly deal with those not on the spectrum. However, having said that, all human beings have unique needs. And all children, and all adults need to feel heard. When a child has been taxed all day by therapy, and they become overwhelmed, they release that overwhelm by screaming and yelling. When you’ve been dealing with all of that all day, you probably feel as if life is stepping on your last nerve, so you begin reacting. Now the other twin hears her brother releasing, and her mother releasing, and begins to release in her own way, maybe with back talk. She needs to feel heard, too. Possibly, on days like that you can stop and have regroup time for all 3 of you. Individually, or together as a group. Watch tv, read a book, do anything to take a break for 30 minutes to regroup. I would also suggest some one-on-one time for you and your daughter. A time when she can ask questions and you have the energy to answer them, including saying, “I am learning about all of this too”, and then have some fun together. I hope that helps.
Imaginary rope! That’s it – that is the component I have been missing. It provides a visual / mental reminder when we are faced the choice of reacting and engaging…or remaining the grown up and operating from love and strength.
This is a major battle for me and my dynamic and wonderful strong-willed 8 year old son. I keep trying and I keep failing and yet I don’t understand how I let an 8 year old pull the rug from under me. I love him more than anything and I don’t understand why that alone doesn’t help me parent better in these tug of war moments!
Thank you so much for providing another tool.
I am so glad that imagery worked for you! If you want to find your unique reason for reacting, consider attending my free webinar “Why Do I Yell and What Can I Do Instead?” Look on the nav. bar, find “free webinar” and register on the waiting list. I will posting the date in the next or so. See there!
I’m a mum of 6 ages vary from 19 years till 3 years, my eldest 2 a independent now but the young ones still require my attention. I have a 10yr old and an 8 yr old both girls, a 6yr old and a 3yr old both are boy. After a days work at the office and they had a day at school normally they would have finished their homework and had time to play so when we go home I ask them to help me with some house work (I give them age appropriate chores) but not always they fell like doing them and to be honest even us adults experience this at times, now comes the problem cause if 1 doesn’t feel like the other 3 are disturbed and they end up either making more mess and playing or even fighting.I try to stay calm and explain but am not always successful cause they tend to backup each and at times I really feel lost and I actually start yelling. What do you suggest I should do when this happens, please? Thanks for your help.
One quick suggestion is to make a rule that for 15 minutes, the music goes on, every one in the house grabs the supplies needed, and we all do 1 quick chore. That way it’s done and everyone is doing it. Another idea is to do all chores after breakfast on Sat. or Sun. and no one gets to have any fun till the chores are done. Explain to them that you don’t like doing the chores any more than they do, but we all make the mess so we all clean the mess. The singing and dancing changes the attitudes, reduces frustration, creates the concept that even things we don’t like can be fun if we do them in a fun way. Hope this helps! Let the singing and dancing begin!
Thanks for the clarity. I had a stand off earlier with my 4.11 year old dd and can see how the emotional rope technique could help us in the future. Thanks for your wisdom ☺️