Drew Barrymore — Worry and Strength
Drew Barrymore, in her book Wildflower, said,
“Right now you need my strength, not my worry.”
Great quote! That sentiment works perfectly for every situation in parenting, well almost all situations.
When kids are sick, or something is wrong, we all worry. But even then, maybe especially then, your kids need your strength, not your worry.
When you’re coming from a place of strength you’re able to feel your intuition, your love, your empathy. You’re more capable of finding solutions that fit the moment.
When you come from a place of worry, you’re so uncomfortable that you become short tempered, ready to pounce at a moments notice. The worry rules you, and causes you to try and release it as quickly as possible. The worry makes you hyper-aware and laser focused. Anything that disturbs your hyper-focus on worrying unconsciously becomes fuel so you can react and release the fear as soon as possible.
How does this affect daily life with kids?
Every day development causes new experiences for a child. Every day produces something new they may react to, or some new challenge they need in order to learn. Development can also make kids emotionally overwhelmed.
When kids misbehave or are emotionally overwhelmed they don’t need you to be angry, yell, or argue, they need your strength. They don’t need your worry either.
“They need you to be strong until they can find, and rely,
on their own strength to control themselves.” Sharon Silver
So how do you shift from worry to strength?
Become aware of what’s real, not what your worry has dreamed up. Worry is like an alien living inside of you, it only focuses on the horrible possibilities. The only way to manage it is to focus on reality, hope and truth. I know it sounds like Pollyanna thinking, but it’s actually not.
Speaking your truth always stops worry. And believe it or not, you can, and should, speak your truth with your kids, age appropriately of course.
Recently several moms talked about being determined to teach their kids about rules, manners, and lying. All worthy things parents have to address. However, what I noticed was that each mom said, “I am worried my kids will grow up and be rude, or grow up and become liars, so I have to stop them now.” The worry was the motivator, not the need to teach their child something.
Parents need to separate fear from the need to teach their child something. Your kids need you to believe that they can change, and that requires your strength, not your worry.
“Kids need you to be stronger than they are.
They need you to exude the confidence that they can change.” Sharon Silver
When you’re worried that your child’s current behavior will end up being the way they’ll be acting from now on, it feels like another layer of stress has been strapped on to your life, and that can easily trigger reactions.
When you come from a place of strength you understand that your kids are in the process of learning. You intuitively know that there is plenty of time to achieve the type of behavior you ultimately want for them. And that helps to stop reacting and yelling.
Misbehavior shows up so kids can learn from it. That’s why they call it childhood, not adulthood. Early childhood is the time in life when self-centered and shortsighted behavior arises. Your kids aren’t fully finished learning, not at all. They need time to learn layer by layer, repetition after repetition, whether we like it or not.
When you shift from worrying to strength you are helping to produce confidence and emotional intelligence inside your child. They trust that you have their back when they can’t control themselves. They trust in themselves because you’ve allowed them the time they need to find their emotional center, and their own strength to learn how to control themselves.
Leave a comment and let me know what your experiences have been.
Till next time.
Awesome Sharon! Thanks!
Thanks for reading Tracie!
Great advice! How do you correct reactive behavior in the past?
Thanks for reading this Candice. I’m not sure if you are speaking about this in terms of dealing with your own childhood, your children, or just inquiring? My answer is the same for all, forgiveness and honesty is the best way to deal with this. Tell those you want to address what is/was true for you. What you may have been dealing with that caused the reaction. Also speak about the impact your reaction with had on them, or their reaction had on you. Holding pain inside is harmful to anyone and needs to be released and resolved so all involved can move on, or forgive, or at least bring it out into the open for further dialog later. I hope that helps.
This is just what I needed to hear as my 11-year old son is struggling in school with his peers.
I am so glad that this helped you. Sometimes when a child sees a parent’s strength reflected back toward them they can see that strength is possible. Also, with regard to peers, don’t ignore this either. Investigate the situation, without interfering. Ask your child if and what he needs from you, and if he thinks he can manage it himself. best of luck.
Great article. This has given me so much to think about. My children’s behavior is not permanent, and my worrying about it is possibly prolonging it. I have been parenting predominantly from a place of worry all these years. How can I find my strength?
Great question Nathaly. The best way to find your strength, in my opinion, is to begin by understanding the message that worry sends.
Worry unconsciously tells a child, I don’t have faith in your ability to handle this, so I have to worry about it and help you handle it.
Some kids translate worry to mean there’s something wrong with them that they’re unaware of. Worry can also be misunderstood to mean my mom will always protect me. The truth is you won’t alway be with your child 24/7 to protect them, so they need to learn to project confidence out in the world, which is what’s needed in order to be safe. Worry also stops a child from being able to locate their own strength and confidence, the very thing you’re looking for so you can stop worrying.
Think about where you learned this type of parenting. Think about the impact your parent’s worrying had on you. Did it block your confidence?
My suggestion is to use the no-mail letter. Write a letter to the person who worried about you. You will never mail that letter, in fact when you’re done writing it, you burn it. Share everything you want to say in the letter as a way to release it. See if that helps to free you, even a little bit.
Also, while in the process of shifting from worry to strength give yourself permission to let go slowly. Build in rules that allow your child some freedom to manage things while still needing to check in so you’re comfortable letting go.
Worrying is a part of parenting, it just doesn’t have to be the lead emotion. I hope this helps.
Thank you! It is great advice and something I feel is possible and do-able .
This is an excellent and very helpful post…i must be the biggest worrier about my parenting but this has taught me to be much more stronger for my son. He has been struggling so much at school, they pick up on every tiny thing and so now he thinks he’s the “bad one” and his self esteem is really struggling, i am constantly brought into school so they can fill me in on every tiny misbehaviour which also knocks my confidence too but im going to stop this from now on and say he is a child, he is learning and you have dealt with it, therefore i do not need to know, thank you
Hi Donna,
I commend you on what you’ve learned. I used to ask my son’s teachers, are you informing me, or asking me to do something about this? Unfortunately, due to overcrowding in the classroom, teachers need to reduce misbehavior in order to do their job. I think we all need to remember that play is how kids learn, and “doing something wrong, is how kids learn to do something right.” Well done!